Saturday, February 9, 2008

Playing House

Sometimes I feel like I am just pretending to be a mom. Do other women feel that way, too? Does that feeling ever go away? I mean, I have an almost nine year old. I just had my 3rd baby. With my real life husband, I own a house, for crying out loud. And still.

When I was about 9, I went through a phase of drawing these elaborate family portraits. They were always BIG families. I thought 12 kids would be ideal, because then there would be a birthday every month. Ha! I didn't realize then that there was a whole lot more to having children than celebrating their birthdays. And I certainly didn't factor in any other "major life circumstances". Like illness, unemployment, death, laundry. I had this vision of me, with a husband, and a bunch of kids. And we are all smiling. With bangs.

I guess technically Charlie and Sam have bangs. And there is some smiling. But even if you count my lost babies, I'm only up to 7. And I've got my hands full. This whole, pretending to be a mom business, is a lot of work. And it sucks to have to be the grown-up, sometimes. (I mean sometimes it sucks, not sometimes I'm the grown-up. I'm always the grown up, however immature). I wonder if my parents ever worried about screwing me up - because I am terrifed (when my performance is less than perfect) I am scarring my children for life.


Kelly said...

Why bangs? I think the more we wonder about screwing them up, the less time we have to do what is important- like surf the internet, drink wine, and crochet.

They are such wonderful kids, G. And sure, that may be in SPITE of all you are doing. Or it may be because of it. You know my vote.

Love to you, my fellow over-thinker.

Stephanie said...

I sometimes get the "playing house" feeling, too. I wonder if everyone does?

I also suspect everyone wonders if they're screwing up their children in some way. Perhaps we all are--my sister and I have talked about what our kids will say about us when they are grown. "Remember when mom did ___? Can you believe she did that?" But I also assume they'll turn out reasonably well.

I tend to over analyze things, but I think that helps keep me on the right path--I don't want to fall into complacency as a parent (or as a person).